Being a Selfish Giver

Giving is something I've been struggling with lately.  We've been showered with generosity from family and friends with our birthday season, and now that we're preparing to move I feel like we're just asking for more.  I want to give back.  I want to give these people something equal to what they have given me; but I can't.  I don't have the resources to pour the generosity back on all of the people who have given to us.  I feel like I just take and take and take and have felt very uncomfortable about it. 
Today in my bible study, we discussed being selfish and generous in friendships.  It wasn't anything earth shattering.  It's not a foreign concept to understand that in any relationship there is give and take - one person should not be the giver all of the time.  And I feel like I do what I am able to most of the time.  But I never feel like I do enough.
The first passage that gnawed on me was James 3:17. 
      But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.
OK, makes sense.  Hmm submissive...

The next one was Philippians 2:3
     Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Humility ... selfish ambition ... God what are you trying to tell me?  Why are these words popping off of the page?

And then it all made sense.  I was trying to be a selfish giver.  I wanted to give what I thought was good enough, what I thought was the right thing.... but giving is about submitting to the person's needs, practicing humility - it's not about how I feel about giving - it's what God does with my gift so that person is blessed.  It's about the giftee, not the gifter.  Then I realized that we give the best my house has to offer: Sean.  We give Sean's time, talent and treasures to the congregation.  I make sure he is taken care of at home so he can care for the members of the congregation.  Something as simple as clean socks ensures he is ready.  Being available for him to talk through his sermon ideas with me - and giving him my full attention to do so.  Making sure the girls are tended to so that he has a quiet space and time to write.  I don't complain about the time he spends at church even though I wish he didn't have to go to the meetings at night.  Being prepared and willing to walk into a house that is not baby proof with a very busy Christine so that he can be in fellowship.

Today the women in my bible study (thank you Emily and Rachelle) helped me realize that the people want to give to us, and welcome us into their homes.  Each time we break bread with someone we learn from them, and Sean is able to leave them with something too.  It's reciprocal - not the reciprocity I expected, or planned on - but it's not about me.  It's about them.  As Mary Beth McNamara (Our supervising pastor's wife) told me back in August - my ministry is to my husband.  If I take care of him, he can take care of them.  That's a pretty awesome job God has given me, and I thank Him for that!